Nuclear Month...
According to the Digital Guilt Indicator it is ten weeks since I've written here. Ten stupifying weeks which, after a while (simple sum, but I'm not up for counting) drifted into what is now known as Nuclear Month.

Nuclear Month makes infamous New York Times plagiarist Jayson Blair look like a competent journalist and confers the authority of Newsnight on the afternoon cartoons. Crimes of ineptitude against journalism, and a deadline fast approaching. These are rotten times.

So now that my mind's been done over Clockwork Orange-style and my heart's sore too there's always The Weirdness to fall back on and I'm grateful.

One final thing: My Bloody Valentine last week went and did it, and did it properly too. The sledgehammer of noise, the Holocaust Section and the sheer skill of it all. By now they've made thousands of people speak and act like Vietnam veterans. You don't know what it's like unless you've been there, man - and so on.

Enough of all that though. And now for The Weirdness.


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Prisons Bulge as Wine Supplies Decline


Vilarica supplies have hit an all-time low according to reports emerging from local supermarkets.

The €4.99 Chilean wine, fondly known as "the sensitive man's Bavaria" by devotees, has enjoyed giddying popularity in recent years ever since its endorsement by the Parliament Street Militia.

"The black market for Vilarica is unprecedented - we are seeing raids on supply lorries and bottles being smuggled out in guitar cases and under velvet dresses. We've had to lay off one member of staff already.

"Our wholesalers are posting armed guards on each case of wine. This will inevitably push the price above the €5 mark. Where will it end?", a spokesman for the supermarket said.

According to local folklore, Vilarica was discovered when Militia leader Ruraidh Confusion O'Dubious found that it enhanced his driving skills, especially at immense speeds.

"The white is carefully suited to a rear-wheel-drive machine - a bicycle, for example, or a Ford Escort, but really anything nimble and a bit tail-happy.

"The red is a great all-rounder. I've enjoyed astonshing results powersliding a double-decker or a ferry while merry on the red", O'Dubious revealed in a rare 2006 interview.

The Militia's enthusiasm for the wine is not shared by the wider wine establishment, however. The Daily Braindead's wine critic Toby McMoron described the white variety as "urine fermented in a coke bottle under a radiator in a young offenders' prison", while the red was "surely the blood of a rampant paedophile infused with walnut".

In response, Mililia member Alain du Noir later stated that "this is exactly what I mean. Exactly. Exactly what I mean. You know? Exactly what I mean. McMoron must be some kind of idiot. To the barricades!"

Defence Minister Trigger Jones has placed the army on high alert for this week's delivery, expected to arrive by US Marine helicopter. Each bottle has been tagged with a revised version of the satellite-traceable bug which claimed the life of last week's defence minister.

Minister Paul Sloth-Heinkel died when his illegally-acquired bottle of 2005 Vilarica exploded on his way back from a secret rendezvous. His state funeral was ill-attended.








'We need to find the time to daydream and be bored, and to see that, too, as a part of our creativity. We need, as it were, to find the time to waste time without worrying about the consequences.' -Adam Philips